I Hate My Life - Hitting Bottom
This downward cycle continued to include pretty heavy use of drugs and consuming enough alcohol to make myself sick and pass out every night. I hated myself. I had nothing to live for. I had thrown away over 4 years of college and I came away with no skills whatsoever. I was at the bottom as far as personal self worth goes.
About this time a friend started telling me that I was killing thousands of brain cells as I drank straight bourbon. I told him I didn't care, there wasn't much to kill. But he started getting through the fog and I decided that maybe I'd better get out.
I moved in with my sister and after about a month, I hit bottom. I had no desire to go on and absolutely nothing to live for. I was too chicken to kill myself. I failed again - I couldn't even commit suicide, so I cried for days it seemed.
I Hate My Life - Desperation
Finally, my sister asked if I would like to talk to someone and I agreed even though it was a Christian counselor. I didn't have much use for Christians even though I had grown up going to church. I thought they were a bunch of hypocrites, but I was desperate. She told me that God loved me. There was no way I was going to believe that. She then told me that I was a sinner and I shot back at her, "That's nothing new!"
I was surprised that God hadn't struck me dead years before. The third thing she told was that God had a plan for my life. I was so low, that I knew I had no future if I tried to do it on my own. That day I told God that if He wanted this mess I called life, He could have it and do with it what He wanted. More power to Him! I had lived my whole life daring people to like me and I rebelliously dared God to accept me and do something with my life. My life had been marked by anger and rebellion and unfortunately those things didn't disappear overnight. But, God has taken this very angry, messed up person and just kept showing me His love.
I Hate My Life - Finding Much Needed Acceptance
Life used to be all about me. Why don't people love me? Who will love me? What do I have to do to make people love me? Why can't I find peace and love? I looked for the answers to all those questions in all the wrong places: booze, sex, and drugs. Those answers almost killed me. But when God touched my heart, I found the answers to all my questions. He brought love and peace into my life when I looked to Him to provide.
As far as feeling dumb and stupid all my life, I found out that I am fairly intelligent. I might do stupid things now and then, but that doesn't make me stupid. That's another thing the Lord revealed to me. I am not perfect, I still have moments of wondering if anyone loves me and there are times I feel really dumb. There are also times when I am overwhelmed by shame from the past, but when I turn to the Lord through His Word and prayer, He's always there, ready to pour out His love on me.
God has given me such joy and peace in the past few years, something that I despaired ever knowing. He has opened up my life to aspects of Himself that I had only read about before: His love for me, His desire to bless me, and the fact that He could truly love others through me.
Praise His name for taking me, a very rebellious child and loving me and never giving up on me, even when I wanted to give up on Him. But, most of all I praise Him that He has set me free, free to know Him, free to live the life He planned for me before the world was ever formed. John 8:36 says "If the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed." This verse has become a reality for me and I praise His name!
Do you hate your life? Do you desire to have freedom from guilt, rejection, and remorse? God is offering you forgiveness. Will you accept it?
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