How To Commit Suicide - Could I Really Hurt Myself?
I was depressed, but I wanted to deny it. I began to have thoughts of how to commit suicide. I knew that I was very discouraged because the events in my life were not going in the direction that I wanted or expected them to go. But could I really be depressed? Was suicide a possibility? Surely, I could deal with this! I didn't need help. I could handle this on my own. After all, things weren't that bad, were they?
Then menacing thoughts began entering my head - ways to commit suicide. I wondered how to tie the right knot to create a noose. Would that pole up there be strong or high enough to hang myself? Would I have the physical capability to accomplish such a feat? These methods of suicide were frightening thoughts. Where had they come from? How had they gotten into my head?
Later, the thoughts became more insistent. It was as if these thoughts had a character all their own, a separate entity, that had somehow taken residence inside my brain. I was starting to get worried and wondered if I needed help. I was not moving beyond this and the horrifying thoughts were getting worse!
I didn't tell anyone about these thoughts. They were so horrific to me - to my usual upbeat, outgoing personality. I was afraid to tell people for fear that they would minimize my feelings and make me feel ashamed. They might reject me and I couldn't deal with those reactions. I was trying so hard to cope with what was happening to me. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to believe in God. I tried very hard to think positively. Maybe I could purge that terrifying intruder who had begun to reside in my brain!
I attempted to deal with the depression on my own, but the insistent voice became stronger. I reached a point where I figured out a method of suicide and wondered how I should phrase the suicide note that I would leave for my family. One part of my brain mulled these thoughts in a totally irrational manner while the more rational part of my brain knew suicide was wrong and that it would destroy my family. It was almost as though I were two people at times - the person controlled by this insistent voice and the other part of me that loved God and believed that He did have a good plan for my life in spite of the painful trial that I was so deeply immersed in.
How To Commit Suicide - Silencing the Intruder
My thoughts were centered on how to commit suicide. I knew I was in trouble and needed suicide help. I could not deal with this on my own. The thoughts were too much! I needed help! Deep in my heart, I knew that God loved me. I didn't understand how He could love me, but I believed that He did. I first sought my pastor's wife, a person I respected very much. I was surprised and comforted to know that she had gone through some serious depression and understood what I was going through. She encouraged me to not fear medication and counseling. With a combination of medications, counseling, and God's help, I am greatly improved and no longer depressed. The horrifying intruder has never returned.
If that terrifying intruder has brought thoughts to your mind, don't hurt yourself. You are loved! No matter what your situation is, there is help. Don't be prideful or ashamed like I was. Talk to a doctor, counselor, church leader, or suicide prevention center. Get the help that you need and deserve. You don't need to live in depression or frustration.
How To Commit Suicide - Understanding God's Love
God knows that you are contemplating how to commit suicide. Although at the time I could not see it, I now realize how much God loves me. I know that He was there to protect me and that He put people into my path to help me through that difficult time. I have learned so much about how wide, how high, how long, and how deep God's love is.
I have seen that He willingly put His Son, Jesus, to death for me so that I did not have to. As I picture Jesus hanging there on the cross, with a heart full of love for me, He asks, "Is this not enough?"